Rewinding to Gratitude
Finding grace in bedtime chaos, my faith, and a purposeful path ahead
With his tiny fingers gently tap dancing on the back of my neck and his arm wrapped around me tight as we cuddled in his bed, I thought to myself, how could I ever want to be anywhere else in the world? My happiest place is right here.
As he settled in, I started replaying the day in reverse, like rewinding a VHS tape in my mind. Just before that quiet moment, bedtime had been a little chaotic. Sage threw his toy guitar and it hit me harder than I expected. The look of shock on my face must have said everything. For a brief second, a flash of how my own Mom might have reacted crossed my mind, and I felt that familiar generational echo rise up. But instead of reacting, I simply said, “wow, that hurt,” and reminded him, “no throwing.”That was enough. He immediately broke down crying and ran over to hug me. Jimmy came in to check on me and gently encouraged Sage to apologize. He did, resting his head against my chest, his body like play-doh molding into mine again. We finished our bedtime routine, prayed together, and laid down.
Prayer felt especially present tonight. Earlier in the day, I listened to a virtual church message that stayed with me. Not every word, not every note, but the heart of it. That just because something feels confining does not mean we are trapped. That God makes a way even when we cannot see one. That sometimes the longest route is actually the safest one. Coverage over convenience. Prayer can feel slower than quick fixes, but it builds the kind of stamina and resilience that real purpose requires. Those words met me in the place that I currently stand. I find myself praying throughout my days constantly. Sometimes it feels like the long way around, but I trust that my prayers are heard in real time. That there is a plan already unfolding, one greater than anything I could design on my own. So I wait. And I listen.
Lately, I have felt something stirring. A powerful pull toward learning more, doing more, especially in the space of postpartum health and maternal care. It has taken me two years to feel comfortable in my body, my mind, my skin again, and I know there is still work ahead. But the more I pour into other Moms, whether through my work or simple daily connection, the more deeply invested I become in supporting women through this season. There is something there. I am just waiting for clarity.
As I kept rewinding the day in my mind, the moments lined up one by one. Time at my in-laws’ house. Sitting on the couch eating nachos while watching the fight. Doing a little research and work around postpartum. Playing with Sage earlier in the day. Breakfast together as a family. Waking up this morning with health, grace, and love in our hearts. And now here we are again. Night has come full circle.
Sleep is calling. I am about to shower and move through my own nighttime routine. As I let the day land, I do not feel rushed or restless. I feel thankful. For the lessons. For the interruptions. For the tenderness. For the way even the hardest moments soften when met with patience and love. Tonight, gratitude feels like the safest place to rest.