Breathing Through It
A day of choosing calm, connection, and grace in the middle of the mess.
There were moments today when I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but instead, I chose to breathe.
It started with what I thought would be a great activity. A small container of colorful little rings I pulled down from the top cabinet, imagining focused play and curiosity. Instead, every single time Sage opened it, the rings spilled all over the floor. He did not want to clean them up. I did not want to leave them there, terrified one of us would slip and fall. So over and over again, I bent down and picked them up. That was one of those moments where I felt myself getting close to the edge. And I didn’t go there. I took a very deep breath instead.
In the middle of one of those pauses, I found myself praying:
Lord, I thank You for helping me keep my cool. For the moments I feel like I’m about to explode on the inside, yet You help me breathe through it so my child does not have to see or feel that weight on the outside. I thank You for gifting me with tools like self regulation, patience, and awareness. Please continue to help me pause before reacting, soften when things feel heavy, and choose love even when I am tired. Cover my child with peace and let my calm be a safe place for them. Amen 🙏🏾
The day surprised me in good ways too. A friend invited us to meet at one of our favorite play places, totally spur of the moment. We went, and it ended up being really sweet. Sage resisted the potty every single time we needed to use it, but we managed. Having adult conversation and connection felt like a small gift dropped right into the middle of the chaos. Poop continues to be a recurring theme in this season of toddlerhood, but today it wasn’t my toddler. A flock of birds decided my car was their target. They pooped all over it, including the driver side door handle. That detour sent us to the car wash on the way home, throwing off our schedule, but somehow we still made it through the rest of the day.
There were more moments when I wanted to scream, but again, I reminded myself that this was my stuff, not Sage’s. So I breathed. Deep inhale. Slow exhale with a sigh. Then I walked into the laundry room with my toddler loudly instructing me to go get Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, while I was trying to remove the laundry and dry his blanket, only to discover my prescription glasses were ruined. Crushed and tumbled out in pieces as I opened the dryer door. They had been in the pocket of my pants from the other day when Sage kept pulling them off my face, and with a million tabs open in my mind, I forgot to take them out before the laundry got done. I caught myself muttering, “come on Deja, use your brain… now don’t forget the milk on the counter again like yesterday.” Ughhhh, I was really getting so irritated with myself, and then I took another brief pause. Just breathe.
Sage woke up about forty five minutes into his nap, but he wasn’t crying. He sat up briefly, pulled his blanket over his head, and laid back down. I let out the biggest sigh of relief.
Later, Jimmy took Sage to my in laws because I was supposed to have a meeting. There was a mix up, and the person I was meant to meet with did not show. Instead of spiraling, I used the time to work out. It ended up being the greatest hiccup in my day. I moved my body, felt strong, and it filled me up in a way I really needed. I even got to shower without interruption before they came home. A simple luxury. I also FaceTimed with my little brother and caught up, which felt really grounding. So proud of that young man.
We ended the evening singing Color Bubblies, laughing, playing, and dancing our way through the bedtime routine. When it was time for sleep, I gave Sage snuggly kisses and he let me gently lay him down with ease. I quickly devoured a quesadilla Jimmy made for me, even though I do not usually eat this late. Tonight called for grace. Now I am snuggled up with my husband, watching TV, and letting the day land. It wasn’t perfect. It was loud, messy, and full of moments that tested me. But it was also tender, connected, and so real. And I showed up for it all. So proud of me!